I’ve been procrastinating for well over a month now. This is one of those things where I want to begin at the beginning and explain everything up until this moment. As time passes, that task gets way too daunting so I shy away from the mountain of words I want to write, settling for none or at least very few (comparatively). So, in the words of one of my heros: “Let me ’splain. [pause] No, there is too much. Let me sum up.” 
I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis in June of 2008. Basically, my immune system decided to turn on me and attack my joints. This causes lots of pain, fatigue and deformity down the road (to name a few things). Apparently it’s a pretty severe case so instead of 20 years down the line, my doctors are talking more like 2 years. I am now trying to figure out the right treatment plan with my rheumatologist which, so far, consists of weekly injections, light chemo drugs and random vitamins and stuff. In addition to the pain – which has greatly improved – the side effects keep me on my toes. My immune system is pretty compromised (since my immune system is the thing that is attacking me – the drugs attack my immune system) so I am constantly sick (a tiny cold can take me out for a week). I am also always nauseous. That’s my favorite (catch the sarcasm?). On a good day, I am just nauseous – in the background feeling like I could spew – but there are the lovely occasions where I am attacked with the sudden urge to throw up. I’m glad I’m by a restroom most of the time. I’ve been able to focus enough to get through most of those moments now without actually throwing up so yay! The thing that has been the most frustrating is the complete lack of energy. I am tired all the time. Fatigue is part of the package – but sleeping has been a huge problem especially lately. I am usually the one who wants to do everything with everyone so it has been a downer as I try to adjust to this foreign need of rest. That sums up the general physical stuff right now.
I started this so that I can update people and express how I am doing/feeling without feeling like I am burdening all ya’ll with what’s going on with me. This way – if you are interested in learning what’s new and all of that – you can just check here. I will also post ways that you can serve or love me in this I know that sounds weird but I have issues when it comes to asking for help so I get to work on that. If you don’t feel like doing anything more than reading this – which is a lot so thanks! – no pressure!! Again – just providing an opportunity if you are looking for one!
If you are interested, I am realizing I need to hear more truth. During all of this, it is hard for me to distinguish God’s truth from the lies (my own or from the mean deceiving one). For example, I am getting caught up in feelings of guilt and shame because I am not able to do what I would normally be able to to. I get stuck in the mentality that “doing” for God is better than being with Him – which is what He is calling me to do more of in this season of my life. I let my identity get wrapped up in getting an “A” as opposed to knowing I am His beloved daughter who doesn’t need to do anything to earn her Father’s love. As much as people tell me so – it helps to have these things written out. If you want – I would love to get letters/notes where you remind me of these truths!! You can email them or send them to 230 Grapevine Rd. #163, Vista, CA 92083 – I love getting mail! Quoting scripture is awesome or you can just let me know how you see me – feel free to be creative or do whatever but I do ask that you stay on the positive side – that would be most helpful – thanks!
So – I guess that is it for now. Whether you have been with me in this from the beginning or you are joining me in the middle – thanks for journeying with me. I know God wants to heal me and that it will not just be a physical healing but a holistic healing. The journey is more of a process than I would like (I would rather have an instantaneous thing but hey!) but I am seeing that God is merciful in giving me little bits at a time.
This part of Romans is quickly becoming one of my favorite pieces of scripture so I will end my first post with this:
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.“
Romans 5:1-5
Thanks for being with me as I persevere in hope.
